kickassness's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Kristen I've stopped writing about it everywhere else, but I can't help it. It's been two weeks and it still hurts. How could Kristen pull such dumb shit? I act like we're okay, but are we really? I don't know. I can act fake with her, I don't even know if she knows. I can't help it. I don't want to act bitter towards her, even if I feel it. Even if I told her, what good would it do? She has nothign to say, other than "I don't know" and "I'm sorry". I wish I could get something to close off this hurt, and hide it fully. She's coming back next week to go to the ND thing. She's staying at Candice's house. I'm really glad she didn't ask to stay here. I would have offered if she needed it, of course. I would have given her my room if she asked. But I don't think I could stay here with her. I would rather sleep in my car than be in the same house as her. Mean as it is, I'm glad I'm not even in the same state as her. She's coming next week... what would I do if she showed up at my house? I don't know. Probably step aside and let her in, tell her my mom was in the kitchen and then retreat to my music in my room. It's a long shot to even wonder if she would come over, but just curiousity. I don't think I could stand her in my house after this. Not with me there, too. I feel so horrid for feeling like this. Maybe because I feel like this but act like everything is okay. But if I saw her again sometime soon... I think I would be too torn between running away, hitting her or hugging her. I don't want to face her, because it hurts to even think of her. I want to hurt her physically, because she had the power to make me cry, and she did. I miss her so much, she was here for 5 days yet hardly here at all. There's this knot in my chest when I think of it all. I know she's apologized, and I know she's truly sorry, but I also know that it won't change. I know that she has never tried to call me. I know that she has never tried. Just tried. It's so difficult, dealing with all of this. There's nothing new for me to say either, but it still hurts so much. 9:21 p.m. - 03.05.05 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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